September 19, 2003
GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE
11
bigtips
What should be done when gifts vanish into a black hole?
by M.T. 'the Big Tipper' Martone Dear Readers,
I want to apologize for the brief absence. I was having a health-induced "time out," but all is well again, and I am back to offer my opinion on any mysteries that may present in your lives. Additionally, I'm going to start letting you in on more of my personal etiquette and propriety conundrums. Situations crop up in my life and the lives of my family and friends that are instructive at best, and at worst can make you feel like we're all dealing with the same stuff. All we
can do is try our best to care
for ourselves and not torture those around
unnecessarily.
us
During a recent visit to my extended family, one of aunts took me aside and confided in me that she was very hurt that she never received thankyou notes for gifts she sent to her grandchildren. She didn't give the gifts to be thanked, she insisted, but it still seemed painfully rude and hurtful that the gifts were never acknowledged, even by her son and his wife.
She had also witnessed the children laughing at gifts they received that were store-brands of well-known toys. She went on to say that she was concerned about the materialism of her son's family, and the ways in which she believed the children were growing up unaware of basic graciousness or even the ability to appreciate the spirit behind gift giving.
So, after seeing if she felt like she could talk about this with her son (no), I said that if they don't say thank you, they shouldn't get any more gifts. It would be mean to cut them off completely, so maybe she could keep up the Christmas "exchange," but she could just send a card on their birthdays. That way there's no sense that they're being forgotten, but they're not being given anything to take for granted. She seemed to be willing to mull over that option.
When I told my girlfriend, she was appalled. "Those kids were never taught or reminded to write thank you notes, and if the presents just suddenly stop, they have no idea what's going on, just that they've been suddenly cut off. That's cruel, and it's not addressing the real sources of the issue, your aunt's inability to communicate with her son, and the cousin's inability to do the right thing and tell his kids to say thank you."
She's right. Justice can be formulaic, but kindness and graciousness are not. And as we all know, life is rarely about absolute justice. So how do we deal with the situation at hand?
The person who is suffering is my aunt, but since the slight is unintentional, she really is responsible for taking care of herself. She needs to suck it up, and just say to my cousin something like, "I would love to know how the kids like the presents. Could you have them e-mail me or call me to let me know what they liked about them?" Or she can just say, "I'd really love a note or a call from the kids after I send them a present." It's so short. If she's living with the stress of not hearing from them, she should be able to handle the stress of mentioning it. I also think it would be good to e-mail or call the kids to model the behavior. They may not answer right away, but at least it will exist as a communication that has a precedent in their lives.
The take-away message? No one owes you presents. If someone gives you something, say thank you to the best of your ability.
That said, everyone screws up and forgets or lets things slide sometimes. Even if it seems too late, it's not. I've always had the rule that I don't cash the check until the thank you note is in the mail, but one of the most
joyous moments in my life presented me with one of my most socially negligent.
Two years ago, I was suddenly placed with a foster child whom my partner and I would eventually adopt. We got a phone call at 4:00 one afternoon, and the next day we had an infant.
The presents started showing up. As a sudden, surprised, and very tired new parent, I didn't keep track of who gave us what. To this day, when I write a note for a current gift, it says something like, “and thank you for your kindness and generosity around our daughter's arrival.”
BIG TIPS
It wasn't right, but it was the best I could do. When you're
showing
consideration, don't forget
some for yourself.
Dear Big Tipper,
My parents and my sister are driving me nuts. They just met my boyfriend, and I introduced him as my boyfriend, but because they know he's transgendered, they insist on calling him "her" and "she.
Many people who meet him don't know that he was born with a female body. My parents and sister hadn't met him before he transitioned, although I was going out with him at the time, and they knew him by another name when we'd talk on the phone.
They've been nasty in the past about my being a lesbian so it's not a shock that they're being asses about this. It still pisses me off, and I find myself wondering how I can live with their behavior.
Dear His and Hers,
All His
So they were being jerks when you were identifying as lesbian, and now they're not happy that you're with a guy? Well, I never!
The way you deal with it is by being very clear that they're being disrespectful when they don't address him correctly, and waiting them out. If you keep acting normally and saying the right thing, they'll get used to it and start using the right terms. It can be hard for people to get it right even when they are accepting and friendly: It's just hard to get used to a change. Give them a hard time, and time.
Send questions to the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, e-mail to chronicle@chronohio.com or fax to 216-631-1052.
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